Today has been a very hard day for me, and I would go into more detail but I just am trying to not let the situation control me. I am tired of this situation causing turmoil when there really shouldn't be any.

What it has done to me is unleash all the feelings I have about wanting to be a more active member in the Pagan community. I sat down with myself today and just talked out loud to the Gods. I realize I haven't been the world's greatest pagan, or even a mediocre one. I dabble every once in a while but I mostly study about it. I have never really been in a position to fully express my religion untli now. I have lived with family or roommates. This is only my second time living out of my parents house and the first time being completely alone. Now I am really starting to explore who I am as a person and as a Pagan, which are both interconnected.

I have always been afraid that I am doing things wrong and that is my biggest hang-up. I let my fear get in the way of things. I am trying to let go of that. What's really helping me is the fact that my husband Billy is really interested in learning more about Paganism. I never took a Pagan 101 type of class and I think it would be really neat if we did. I think that might help me with some of the hang-ups I have.

The only problem is I live in the middle of nowhere in the bible belt of the state and I am having trouble finding other pagans. I never had this problem living back in King County, Washington. I desperately feel the need to connect with others who share the same faith. I need that sense of support that being around others brings, ya know?

I am trying to refocus myself to being a better Pagan. We are starting to explore who we are as a married couple and as a family. I want my children to be on the pagan path as they grow up, but its ok if they chose not to be pagans in later life. I guess I want to make sure that I am doing things in a "good/right" way. I have never had any pagan friends in real life or done anything remotely active in the pagan community and I have been on this path for 10 years, how horrible is that?

I must sound totally crazy right now. Its just this latest drama has me so emotional and defensive. I want to do things the way I have always intended to do them. I want to be a certain type of person and I really need to focus on that now.

Billy comes home soon and we have so much exploring to do as a couple. We had only been sating for a year and one month when we got married. We were married for not even 12 hours before he left for Michigan for MOSQ, he was gone for two weeks. Then he came back and was home for two weeks, packing to leave for Iraq. We have a lot of growing to do as a couple as well.

Its all so complicated, part of me never pictured my life like this but I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. I may not be a good pagan, by my standards but I try. I am definitely trying to live my life according to my values both pagan and personal, cause they mostly overlap. I am making a much bigger commitment now to reach out and be a part of our community and to learn more formally I guess.

I have really no idea where to start right now. I know I am going to finish the Family Wicca book, after that I will probably go back to some of my old books and may be start actually taking notes, not just the mental kind. I need to get that self-starter attitude back and really just become my own teacher. I need to research things more and stop acting like a kid in this aspect.

I know I am going to fail at things, its part of life but I am really committed to being the type of person I want to be. I am really hoping that after Billy comes home we can move to an area that is best for our family all around. That will allow me to connect with more pagan people, to be a part of the community more.

Thank You all who have read so far. I am sorry if I seem totally psycho but I needed to get this all out.

My husband coming home is getting closer! I am so nervous to see him again, I haven't seen him since he came home on leave the beginning of January. Plus, we have all this added stress right now.

The contractor finally came out to take a look at what's wrong with this rental. He flat out told me to find another place to live. Which on one hand is great cause I feel totally vindicated and backed up about how I have felt about this house and its problems. On the other hand its sucks cause now I gotta go hunting again for a house in an area where DH can find employment. I gotta get his resume out there as well. If his stupid command would approve his resume already.

I am going to wait until he comes home before I move again, I hated doing it basically by myself last time. It was hard, I mean I had my parents help me actually move but the packing, going through things and stuff was the hardest. It brought up a lot of memories. I just hope it doesn't get too cold before he comes home. I only have a woodstove and am not sure how well its going to work. If we lived in a properly insulated house I am sure that the woodsotve would work wonders, I had always dreamed of heating a home with wood and now I get to test it out.

Billy let me order books off of amazon.com last night and this morning. I still have $30 bucks to spend. I got 13 books and a pilates DVD, it was a pretty good assortment of books. A little bit of this and that. Just not sure when I am going to find the time to read them all. I have books on m bookshelf that I have read parts of. I feel so guilty for having not sat down and read each and every one.

Right now I am reading Family Wicca, its a book I have wanted to read for ages and Billy finally bought it for me, he just had it sent to Iraq first so he could take a gander at it. Its really good and is going to help me with my goal of raising my children pagan but still allowing them to express their spirituality in their own ways which is very important to me.

I am trying to live in line with my ideals, which seem to change every once in awhile as I discover more about the world and about what it means to me. Recently, I reread my diary for the past of about 2 years. Its shocking how different I am now compared to then. I mean a few pages I talk about decorating a nursery for our eventual baby. Now I can't even imagine the thought of having a seperate bed for a baby. Its all about co-sleeping now. I know I have always wanted my children to live as natural and organic a life as possible, that's not changed.

I am trying to be more attuned to my spirituality this year. I want to be a practicing Pagan, with no jokes from my Dad about burning the house down. I would love to connect with other Pagans in real life. I've never had IRL pagan friends and to me that is sad. I want that sense of community. Its a little hard living as rurally as I do.

I have so many thoughtts, ideas and visions of how I want our family to be. An ideal I want us to strive to. Its so important to me to have that ideal to because we all need something to look up to. On the other hand I am afraid that i have built this image up in my head to much and that we are going to fail miserably and I am going to be this unhappy person. I know not everyone is perfect but damnit, sometimes I wish I was, might make things easier.

I guess my goals for our family are to be light on the Mother Earth, to be as natural and organic in our choices as possible, to follow our instincts when parenting, trying to be as Attachment Parenting types as we can possibly be, to homeschool, to follow an Earth centered religion, to be loving, rural to semi rural as possible, to be self-sufficient, to homeschool, just I want too many different things I guess.

Its funny how my thoughts go from being nervous about Billy coming home from Iraq to all my thoughts for our family. Can we tell that I have been thinking to much again?

Merry Meet All! I just heard about this site today and it is such a great idea! I am looking forward to meeting people of like mind hopefully some of you are in my area IRL.

A little about me: I'm a 22 year old stay-at-home Army Wife, my husband is currently deployed to Iraq with the Washington National Guard and he should be home soon goddess willing! He has 3 sons ages 10, 8, and 6, we hope to be adding some more kids in the next couple of years. We actually plan on starting to try in January of 2008.

I've been on the pagan path since I was 12 years old, just kinda of an eccelctic dabbler for the most part but recently since we have been together I have become much more disciplined in my faith. We have decided to raise our children on the path and be a pagan family for the most part, even if hubby decides this isn't a religion that meshes well with him.

I spend a lot of my time on the internet and with my face planted into books. I don't have tv right now because everytime I watch it I end up catching crap about Iraq and it was stressing me out too much. I am hoping we stay mostly tv free when my husband comes home.

Right now I am reading all my old pagan books, which is an amazing feat because I quiet frankly am a book whore, you should see my amazon wishlist! I am hoping that once my husband comes home that we will be able to connect more with other pagan families and may be find a study group for the both of us, because he is new and well, paganism is a never ending learning adventure!

I hope to meet lots of great people through this site.

Bright Blessings!

Barbara